So slavery was abolished with the emancipation proclamation, but you still want to legally partake in the practice – This will be a comprehensive tutorial on how you can acquire and maintain human resources for optimal value accrual.
Phase 1: Acquisition
Strategy: Since flat-out slavery has been abolished in America, one should focus on the next best thing: Wage Slavery. Making sure your mark lives paycheck to paycheck, never questioning the seemingly positive intentions of your organization.
Execution: Ideally, you want to grab people when they’re young. College campuses are a great place to do this, especially at “lower-tier” institutions. At premier institutions, you’ll have to compete with the likes of prestigious investment banks, consulting firms, private equity firms, etc. But at middling public state schools, your seemingly “elite” job opportunity will have a much better chance at breathing.
Execution Continued – Sunk Cost: You want to first recruit for an internship position at your organization. Ideally, this position is UNPAID. Many corporations give paid internships, but if you can sell your internship well enough, you won’t need to pay anybody anything. This is a bit easier when you work for a prestigious company. One benefit of that is a lot of these college kids will be so excited to work for such a big name they won’t even question the position they’re being put in.
People will constantly justify how they spend their time and money, especially if the spending can be perceived as a waste. You know from the past, kids graduating from your unpaid internship raved at how great of a “learning experience” and “developmental opportunity” it was.
Vegas Tip: It wasn’t. They were on their phones and muting/ignoring 100+ Person conference calls 90% of the time.
Phase 2: The Close
Strategy: You typically see higher conversion rates with kids who have done internships because they have invested time (for free) in your organization. What you want to do is to get these kids to sign an employment offer (before) their next recruiting season, when they could receive a better offer. You’ll likely take the top batch of kids, and tell them that “company policy” only gives them a week to respond (the week before recruiting season).
From experience, you should know that a lot of these kids are in debt, and since they’re in college instead of going bankrupt to start a business or moving to LA to pursue acting, they’ve got some degree of risk aversion. You want to capitalize on this risk aversion and MAKE SURE THEY SIGN A LEGALLY BINDING DOCUMENT guaranteeing their allegiance to your company. Here are some ideas to sell to the kids:
- This is an opportunity of a lifetime
- You will get rich/build a career/ etc. etc. here
- We barely give out offers, but we liked you so much so…
Phase 3: Onboarding
Now your mark has decided to stay in the slave quarters, it’s time to properly initiate them into their shackles.
Strategy: You want to onboard these employees as soon as possible, and build an even deeper emotional connection between your company and them. At this point, you are spending money to initiate these kids in your company – remind them of that (without reminding them of how much value they themselves bring). You want to position yourself to be viewed as a generous benefactor – giving a gift to these kids that they wouldn’t get elsewhere.
Execution: At this point, it’s a very good decision to get all of the new employees together at some sort of corporate retreat or welcome event. You’ll hire great chefs, provide top-tier lodging (that they won’t get again), and probably hire a motivational speaker (who makes more in one speech then they do in 6 months). You also want to relocate your employees and get them out of their comfort zone.
This will accomplish a few things:
- Begins creating dependence. In their relocated area, you are the ONLY hub of familiarity.
- Social bonds forming – if the new hires can befriend eachother, higher chance of employee satisfaction/them sticking around
- Positive emotional feelings: being treated to a motivational speaker, high end food, and lodging (They think: The company really cares!!!)
Phase 4: Dependence (The Choke)
At this point you want to make sure the employee is dependent on you for their livelihood. There are a few hot tips I can give you on accomplishing this but on a high level, what you want to do is to limit their wallet, limit their mobility, and limit their livelihood.
Limit Their Wallet
Pay them a misleading number – a great way to do this is to pay them above the national average (50k), but relocate them to an area where they make less than the area average (say NYC/LA). This will ensure they depend on you paycheck to paycheck, and will be more incentivized to bring value to your organization. Let’s say for this example you give them 70K in LA.
Now you want to grind out their living expenses – you’ll do this by placing them in a office in an area that has very high living costs, so they’ll be paying at least 2-3K for a single and 1.5-2k for a shared per month. Let’s be honest, a college kid in debt isn’t going to put a down on a condo.
So let’s think about it: They’re making car payments, debt payments, rent payments, gas payments, electricity payments, grocery payments, water payments, sewage payments, trash payments, internet payments, phone payments, cable payments, insurance payments, healthcare payments, eyecare payments, dental payments, entertainment payments, card payments, and most importantly, they will be making LARGE payments to their RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS. This should leave them with little to no money left over.
Limit Their Mobility
You want to limit their ability to – Move somewhere else, move to another job, and move to another company.
- Move Somewhere Else – Ideally get it through to the slave’s mind that the position is only for wherever you relocate them to, and stick them in a TEAM that works exclusively in that region
- Move to another job – You want to pidgeonhole them in a role as soon as possible. Make sure to train them in skills ONLY RELEVANT to their current job, so when they look at the job bank in the future, they see that none of their skills match any job descriptions of better roles.
- Move to another company – Several ways to do this: make promises to the slave of advancement and greater opportunity, a common strategy is to give them 200% more work and 20% more pay – a huge raise for them but huger for you. Also keep their spirits up.
Limit Their Livelihood
Misleading title. You want them to be lively, but ONLY at your company.
Ideally, get them happy – keep spirits up with corporate motivational seminars, free food occasionally, and other projects that cost pennies on the dollar compared to the value they bring. An occasional calculated gesture will go a long way for a slave.
Since you relocated them, they’ll be far away (ideally) from positive sources of reinforcement. Therefore, you have a great chance at being one of the only positive stimuli in your slave’s life.
Phase 5: Future Risk Mitigation
So you’ve done it. You’ve successfully brainwashed your first slave – here are some closing pointers for getting the maximum return on your human investment.
Ideally you want to put them in a dead end job – no chance of advancement with more delegated work opportunities and limited upside is ideal. When they’re at the dead end job, attempt to automate their job. For example, if you have them in a call center, work on a virtual agent that will handle simple customer tickets. If they’re a stock broker, get a developer team to create a trading app that will do their job for them.
While in this role, make sure to keep them happy by giving them arbitrary raises. If inflation goes up by 3.33%, give them 2-3%. SELL it as a RAISE, even though it’s just an adjustment to income. Maybe you’ll give them one BIG raise every 5 years or so, but just make sure it comes with more responsibility.
Create a family atmosphere. One of the most strategically sound things you can do is to FOOL THEM into thinking that HR IS THEIR FRIEND. After they think HR is their friend, have HR build a file on the slave, incase you need to get rid of them (restructuring, layoffs, etc.)
This file can include:
- Browsing history (Reddit, Facebook, etc.)
- Anything incriminating against the employee
Finally, once they retire, frame it as a thank you to their years of service to their company (really they’re just getting too old and making too much so you want them gone). Maybe give them a few stocks to keep them invested in the new generation as they become a senior employee.
So now you have a *rough* framework on how to acquire, maintain, and work slaves to optimal levels. On a high level, what you want to do is to 1) Get them young 2) Brainwash them 3) Keep Them Happy and 4) Keep Them Productive. As per typical corporate American standards, you’ll pay them 10%-15% of the calculated value they bring to your company.
A quick google search shows me employee lifetime earnings in America average at about 1.7M. This means that they should ATLEAST be bringing in 17M of value. If so, you have successfully enslaved a fellow human being without them even knowing about it, and have made a lot of money in the process. All in a day’s work!